To be entirely honest, it’s been a rough pat six weeks.
Ever since I returned from QuiltCon the HKPP management protocol has gone to hell; discussion of hospital trips are a weekly occurrence. This, of course, has put me physically right on the edge, feeling like I am just barely holding on. Add into the mix the quilt world emotional roller coaster that I’ve been on since QuiltCon—some you may have read about in earlier posts and some that have to remain private—and I just feel like I am falling apart.
I hate that I’ve kinda been radio silent here for the past week or so, but I keep hoping to find something optimistic to write about, some new development or whatnot, but I just can’t seem to get past the blunt and basic realities of chronic illness + industry struggles + the realizations that come from doing the business taxes, and that just doesn’t make good blogging, or so I’ve been told by the powers and authorities…
And then, obviously, all the self-doubt kicks in, profoundly.
You know what? I want so much more, not in terms of my life, which is pretty awesome at the big picture level, but from quilting. I really do want all of this to matter, for quilting to be big, not in terms of popularity, but in scope. It feels like a somehow essential human activity—anyone who knows me and my disdain for statements like that must realize now that me saying that is kinda big. As a form it participates in so many social, cultural, political, economic, aesthetic, and conceptual dialogues. It seems to me profound, but so often it seems so small, and that drives me nuts.
We speak of this remarkable tradition; we glorify its history. When we talk about the history of quilts it is almost universally in terms of the meaning and significance of quilts and quilting, its connections to the frontier, women’s rights, the civil rights movement, the value of the human in the face of industrialization; we admire innovative patterns and materials. In the light of all of that, look around, no not at the individual makers, but the larger quilting world.
I may be egomaniacal, but for a while I thought I could in some way add something, make a difference. Right now I doubt it. Right now I just feel small. I still think it all matters, but that just doesn’t seem to sell. But then again maybe I’m just not very good at this…
Yep, you can see I’m feeling rough. I should probably just delete all of this…
But I’m not going to.